paranoia sets in
21 June 2005

i've recognized unkind patterns in relationships lately. things that leave me slightly suspicious. it worries me a bit, not because i find reasons for mistrust among pals, but because i occasionally wonder if it is just me. surely it is. when i was little, i learned to be a very shallow person in order to cope with the loss of friends as military life moved me across america, overseas and back. the benefit of shallow relationships: constant fun! you do not have to worry about sticking with a person who gets upset at you. heck, you'll be finding new friends soon enough when the next set of orders comes in for dad. that's what i was always used to. my sister was affected by it as well, but i think her need for deep relational bonds (maybe it was a girl thing?) led to a lot of drama with other kids on occasion.

as a fellow shallow kid, but also a more detached big brother, i never understood why every friend my sister had would suddenly be referred to as "the girl who did this to me" or "the girl who said this about me or to me" or "the girl who took this and that toy". until now maybe. i am finding that as i am really starting to extend my feelers with people and break even further free from my shallow ways it is leaving me with a tendency to let paranoia sink in. why did that person do that? is there an ulterior motive for everything? where do their true allegiances lay? i find that these questions sometimes attempt to pervade my thoughts. i'm not extremely worried or anything- these questions have not become voices, mind you, and even if they had, i would know better than to talk back (that's schizophrenia, folks). i am just finding that i still really do have a lot of idealistic thoughts about people and their motivators. i still find in the back of my head this crazy thought that everybody has the greater good or best interest of whatever group in mind, and that just isn't the case all of the time, not even most f the time! at the same time, i realize that not everything done by people is 100% selfish, or else i might also find another way into the world of the schizo.

i just want to know that i can trust people i work with.
i just want to know that i can trust my friends.
i just want to know that i can trust the Church.

it's rough being a leader.

of students.
of friends.
of worshippers.

it's just really tough sometimes.

check it out - 01.20.07
vapor - 11.15.06
can't complain - 11.10.06
turn the page - 11.09.06
who invented the word "me-maw"? - 09.28.06

<< :: >> | random