God-thoughts and what-nots
08.30.06

it's funny how every time i think that i'm one step ahead, i get the clue-in that, no, i most certainly am not. thanks God... thanks a lot. maybe i should thank myself for not being on the ball. anyway, whoever needs to be thanked will get theirs eventually. btw, i am tired and a little incoherent right now, so take everything you've just read with a grain of salt. on to better things.

it's occurred to me (about half an hour ago, actually) that i am a human conundrum, a frustrating puzzle box. most people learn to do all of the big things, take the major stuff head on, and then deal with the details, learn the little things that add up over time. not me! i feel like i get all of the little things right, learn what gets the small fries cooked, but don't follow through on the really important stuff. i lose out on the big picture because i'm sweating the small stuff! maybe that's vague, but maybe somebody, somewhere, relates to it. argh.

my spare moments late at night have been filled with God-thoughts and guitar chords for the last few weeks. when i'm not busy pressing football jerseys (my fulltime work for now until i find something better) or saying sweet things to jen or playing with her hair, then i am pickin' and a-grinnin' and a-singin' and a-playin' the gee-tar. God is working on my heart condition. it's being surrendered. who would've thought, though, that pride could have such a deep root in a heart like mine? well, if that last sentence isn't proof enough, then i don't know what is.

i've been finding a lot of comfort in some sorely missed patches of the word here lately. i'm making some forays into luke and ezekiel that are not exactly foreign territory, but i've let myself be choked out of those books for way too long. i love the psalms, but they've been the bastion of my perpetual happy hour for quite a while now, and it's past time for me to branch out and put down some other roots elsewhere.

for extracurricular reading lately, i've been diving into the chronicles of narnia. yes, short fiction. no, i'm not regressing. there are deep things to chew on that can be found just as well in the horse and his boy as in the great divorce. there will be a nice post about this when i finish the adventures of shasta and bree. so far, so good.

put in me
oh, mercy, fall on me, like a warm blanket...
on my cold, cold heart
clean me with Your blood that turns me white...
on the inside
i'm on my knees again
'cause i'm breaking Your heart

i know all my broken places like the back of my hand...
that slapped Your face again
wash me with Your love and hold me tight...
like a baby
until i have no memory
of ever breaking Your heart

put in me
what i cannot buy with gold
put in me
oh, God, come restore my broken soul
put in me
what i cannot give myself
put in me...
a clean heart

and in the joy when You restore me i will stand and walk again
i will run into this world and i will call them to come in
but i will not point my finger or grow that wicked skin
that cannot remember what i will not forget

good song. check out enter the worship circle's first circle for that one. great songs from great hearts. echoing a little of this in my soul right now. flawed, but cleaning up.

check it out - 01.20.07
vapor - 11.15.06
can't complain - 11.10.06
turn the page - 11.09.06
who invented the word "me-maw"? - 09.28.06

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