kind of a big deal
i've been reading the latest donald miller, to own a dragon: reflections on growing up without a father. the things that you think to do when you're just looking for a good read and start on something that looks cool, then it turns around, flips some of your big-3 issues on their heads, and breakdances all over your heart. that didn't quite happen, but it's been close enough. to be trite- this book hit home, and didn't pull any punches.
i actually did have a father growing up. i don't have many fond recollections of him. note that i do give him some credit. i remember playing checkers every now and then and running from him during an intense game of tag (which ended with the most embarassing loss of a boot to some serious mud). i remember playing soccer when i was 5, and hoping he was watching me be a star the whole time. i remember wanting him to be proud of me. i remember wanting him to be my dad more often. i'm not brainwashed into forgetting all the good times. there's just not that many of them.
i do remember being hurt. a lot more often than i'd care to recall. i remember being disappointed. a lot. i remember not knowing when i would hear from him. i remember hills beyond hills full of broken promises. i remember finding out dirty secrets. i remember being lied to. i remember all of my nervous breakdowns and feeling worthless and unwanted and unloved.
they say that for every single negative experience you go through you must go through 10 good ones to cancel it out. that's right, just to cancel it out and wipe the slate clean. then you have to start over building up the positive stuff. i don't want to let this define my relationship with my biological father, and i'd like to think that because i know this i can see past it and be just fine, but i can't. i've said my "i forgive yous" and tried to cut the cord, and there's still hurt there.
well thank you donald miller for writing a good book. you've not only managed to one-up blue like jazz, but you've allowed God to use you in my life. i am entering the realm of baby steps in letting go of this whole big bundle of hurt. i think that in the next couple of months i will be writing my biological father a letter. a real letter. and i don't know what will happen after that. maybe i'll get a response, and maybe i won't. i'd like to say that i have no expectations and will not be disappointed whatever the outcome, but that'd be a total lie. shoot, i'm making contact. i expect something in return. who wouldn't? maybe that's another hurdle to get over. i'll have to keep posting on this as things develop, but until then you'll know what's on my mind.
check it out - 01.20.07
vapor - 11.15.06
can't complain - 11.10.06
turn the page - 11.09.06
who invented the word "me-maw"? - 09.28.06