good for a bit then goes into a rant...
12.29.05

in the aftermath of christmas bliss, crazy work schedules, and straight-up laziness, i've found time to post! joy! i am currently in post-millenial bliss as i have entered the world of technology with a new mp3 player. no, not an ipod. i didn't want one of those. no, i got one of them there newfangled sony contraptions that suits me perfect. no more skipping, scratched up cd players ever again. i am cozied up with the sony. that's just the appetizer, though; i'll be heading to passion '06 courtesy of my incredible woman friend with benefits. kidding, jen. but yeah, i'm going to passion, which is a cherry on my sundae of christmas wishes come true. i also have the tight storybook edition of the chronicles of narnia, a perfect gift for any occasion, some mighty expensive shampoo that makes your head tingle ('cause it's working!), fridge magnets of the napoleon persuasion, an hour long massage at a spa, and crazy tasty cookies. yay! jen has had molly for about a month now, and she is twice her weight from when we first got her. 12.8 pounds- that's a big girl there! i also got jen some nifty scrapbooking pages and accessories, plus a couple of christmas cds. top all of that with a great meal at mema gatlin's and it was a great holiday. they really made me feel loved and at home. it was a trip. and besides, who would turn down gift cards and goodies? i sure didn't.

i've been thinking about my emotional state lately. i guess when it comes down to it, i don't think i understand feelings and how i should or shouldn't act on them. see, i've been told in the past that i am an emotionally-ruled person. the decisions i make, the things i say, they are all based on my emotions. my decisions to go to a certain college, pick a certain major, do certain things with my life, participate in certain activities- all emotional. it is difficult for me to reject this because my dad has fed it to me for the last 5 years. so every deep emotion i've felt has basically been toned down a lot since then, if not squelched. maybe that's tough for some folks to swallow because, hey, i am a peppy person. i got pep. and then some. but yeah, that's the game. i feel too happy, too mad, too manic, too depressed, i stifle it and don't let myself feel anything. is this abnormal? i'm confused by it all, and recently it has made me wonder if it could ruin relationships? if my loved ones never see the extent of what truly gives me joy or evokes my anger, etc., will they really know me in the end?

these are the kinds of things that make me so mad i say i'm doing fine or okay to my friends. one guy i know here at school sees through it every time (he's not even a good friend, just good at spotting fakers) and just gives me this look like, "why don't you just say what you feel?", but i never get around to being real with him. but anyway, yeah that's what's eating david lately. i wonder if my emotional isolation is gnawing away at my spirit? how's that for vague?

also, family issues suck, and i've been putting off familial dissatisfaction for years now. i'm tired of stifling my disagreements and playing it safe. my family is not perfect, neither am i, and i'm tired of not feeling good enough!

i need a timeout.

check it out - 01.20.07
vapor - 11.15.06
can't complain - 11.10.06
turn the page - 11.09.06
who invented the word "me-maw"? - 09.28.06

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