broken vessel
13 September 2005

God has broken me. pain and pleasure are mixed today, as i beg for more grace to cover my stains and scars. it just becomes more and more apparent every time i try to assume the mantle of leadership that God has placed before me, just how unworthy i am of it.
unworthy of Him.
unworthy of grace.
unworthy of mercy.
deserving of swift justice.

my heart of hearts has been pierced by the word. as the mask slipped from my hands and shattered this morning, i wept the painful, bitter tears of a beggar. Father, is Your grace enough? will it cover me? why, in spite of the arrows i hurl at You, do You continue to pursue me? i will never understand what manner of love this is that never gives up on the worst of sinners.

i saw something today that angered me. a lewd t-shirt. it was crass, unnecessary, and proof of a lawless life. my reaction: not on my campus! then God stepped in before my heart could take another beat, and cut to the quick when He whispered, "you are just the same. i have seen everything you've done, and not even a day ago you entertained thoughts and visions of something far worse than that t-shirt slogan. who are you to stand in judgment of a fellow sinner and proclaim justice that is mine alone to portion out?!"

i have no share in God's righteous anger today, save what i am directing at myself. i am a wretched and withered man. i have lived up to my namesake,
a lying,
cheating,
stealing,
fornicating,
murdering,
slanderous,
drunken worm of a man.
matthew 5:17-31 anybody?
who am i to be asking the King of the universe to pour His innocent, glorious, beautiful blood over me? and not just a drop or two or few, but every last reservoir, every heartbeat, that i would be covered to neverending in the blood of God?
i will never comprehend.
i will never understand.
i will never know.
the limits of a Love like that.

-shift-

david.
sinner.
saint.
dead in sin.
covered in the blood of Christ.
forgiven.
adopted.
cherished.
child of the King.
gifted with the hope of glory.

david.
leader.
worshipper of the Living God.
visioneer.
voice in the desert.

david.
i am not.
not I AM.

i've been thinking this past week about how we are all hypocrites. we are always falling short and screwing things up, always stumbling about, groping for a light switch in the darkness. even our leaders. even me. all of us, big fat hypocrites. and yet somebody has to lift the banner, right? even as a visioneer, i am prone to sin and drop the buck. so who will be the leaders? who can we count on? when our leaders mess things up, do we just ditch them and pick another faker to take their place until the next disaster?

these thoughts are why i can't not live under the grace of God. i think i understand a little bit of why catholics teach about the perpetual crucifixion of Jesus. we are always in need of just a little more blood. actually, we are all in need of a lot more blood. yes, i believe that once and for all Jesus died, and He most definitely reigns in heaven beside the Father, not on an eternal cross, but the picture in my head works as a sober reminder. there is no forgiveness without blood. i think the torah is finally sinking in a little.

Lord, i am trying. please have some patience with me. do it for Your glory, like You always do.


check it out - 01.20.07
vapor - 11.15.06
can't complain - 11.10.06
turn the page - 11.09.06
who invented the word "me-maw"? - 09.28.06

<< :: >> | random